Author’s Note: The following piece was submitted on 5/16/2024 to Weekly Humorist. It was then submitted on 6/14/2024 as a memoir/personal essay for the Writer’s Digest Annual Writing Competition, along with $35. Now it’s here.

Whaddya say we transform the macabre rituals that accompany modern day death row executions into something more festive? After all, the U.S. Constitution prohibits cruel and unusual punishment. Since the survivors are seeking closure, how about we make the whole occasion a little more congenial to help that process along?

We’re all familiar with the last meal. Let’s give the inmate the option of having a favorite last song played over a loudspeaker while they’re strapped to the gurney. If it were me – being an old white guy – I’d probably go all out and pick something jaunty like “Surf City” by Jan and Dean. “And when I get to Surf City, I’ll be shooting the curl, and checking out the parties for a surfer girl!” Or maybe “Ride the Wild Surf,” with the prophetic ending “Gotta take that one, last ride!” Let’s put a smile on everyone’s face. Oh, the good times we had in younger days!

The only downside to this proposal would be if someone chose a really long, heavy song, like the seventeen minute “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” by Iron Butterfly, or Credence Clearwater Revival’s eleven minute jam of “I Heard it Through the Grapevine.” I can definitely see how the warden, the executioner, and the families might begin to get a little fidgety under those circumstances, wanting to just get on with it.

One way to mitigate the effects of such dreary choices would be to hand out THC CBD gummies ahead of time. Everyone gets a gummy: the person sentenced, his or her spiritual advisor, the families, the media, the prison staff, the protesters outside. After all, why not turn this into a celebration? Come to think of it, Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration” would be a perfect last song. Or better still “Play That Funky Music” by Wild Cherry. Let’s get people in the viewing area on their feet. Loosen the straps so the person bound to the gurney can move in time to the music. “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ‘til you die! ‘Til you die!” Yeah, baby!

Instead of using one of the many disagreeable methods of execution, how about heroin? I’ve never tried it—all those anti-drug films in grammar school scared me away—but I’ve heard it turns you into melted butter. Let’s send the poor bastard off with a warm, euphoric rush, to make their last trip a memorable one. Just be sure to turn their head to the side and away from view in case there’s any of that nasty puking. No one wants to see that shit.

And since we’re looking to create a New Year’s Eve spirit of fun, let’s splurge on party hats and noise makers all around. Once the convicted is officially declared dead, we can really get this party started. Let’s make some noise, people!

Instead of everyone just trudging home afterwards, let’s have a state-sponsored cocktail reception and dinner for the families. Time to let bygones be bygones and begin the healing process. Start with drinks and light hors d’oeuvres around high boys—open bar, of course. Not sure if it’s better to do a buffet or sit-down dinner, though buffet is usually the smarter choice given all the vegan, vegetarian, and gluten-free requirements. Farm-to-table, naturally.

There has to be a live band, or at least a deejay, so that people can get out on the dance floor and shake some ass if the spirit moves them.

You gotta admit that this nouvelle approach to what is typically a dismal proceeding offers real possibilities in terms of fostering new friendships, compassion, and understanding. It’s just a matter of getting people to mingle and start those conversations that need to happen.

“Joe really wasn’t that bad a guy, you know. I mean, how can you not like a guy whose last song was “Sugar, Sugar” by the Archies?”

“Ya gotta point there, Ed.”

Of course, another option would be to do away with capital punishment all together. It’s racially-biased and not a deterrent to crime. On top of that, the justice system has been known to screw up and off people who are innocent. Some poor bastards make coerced confessions, have shitty legal counsel, are nabbed with lousy forensic evidence, or are erroneously/falsely identified by witnesses who in some cases are promised less harsh treatment in exchange for their testimony. Shouldn’t we let the convicted do their time in prison, try to turn their lives around? Leave open the possibility of parole, pardon, commutation, or exoneration? Whaddya say we give that a try?

Cool. Cue the Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”!